Re-Thinking the Way We Think

Re-Thinking the Way We Think
Metta Ray
November 2008

The way we think, whether innate, learned or conditioned, has a direct effect on our success in life. Beliefs, self-esteem, self-talk, imagery, reactions and behaviors are all part of whether we achieve our fullest potential.
Have you ever wondered how you ended up where you are? In an effort to answer this question it is important to remember that how we think, what we do and how we react to events are a consequence of those choices. If you think you are a failure at your job, you will be the next one called for a lay-off. It is apparent in the way you present yourself, in the way you act and talk to others, and in the way do your job.
Every person I have ever met has some horror story from childhood about how a relative, teacher or other has said or done something negative to them. The reason these stories are so easily recollected is because it has truly shaped their life, unfortunately, more often in a destructive way. For example, a person who is constantly blaming their failed relationships on a comment made by a parent when they were young and no matter what they try to do to make their relationships work, they always come back to this negative childhood memory.
Beliefs are “A statement, principle, or doctrine that a person or group accepts as true.” (Merriam-Webster, 2004). They are so often mistaken by people as fact, when in actuality a belief is only what you believe to be true, not necessarily reality. To believe you are ugly, or you are not smart is not inevitably a truth, just because you think it. So, if you are always told that you are bad at math, then your belief is that you are indeed bad at math, even if you are not. In this example you have been conditioned to believe you are bad at math.
Self esteem is defined as ‘a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself’. The problem seems to lie with the mistaken idea that if you mess up, you are inadequate. “Self-esteem does not mean you have to be good at everything you do, and it does not mean you will not make mistakes along the way.” (Chidekel, 2003) If your self-esteem is low or less than complimentary it may not hurt to reform your thinking. By trying to see the positive in yourself, you enable a way to counteract the negative thinking and thus raising your self-esteem. Maybe you tried dancing when you were young and uncoordinated, and because you didn’t do so well you have a low self-esteem about dancing. This is something that you have learned through an embarrassing and unfortunate moment. It just may be that if you would try it again, you are not so bad at it after all. If you were to try to find the reasons you did not succeed at a younger age, such as your awkward body, or lack of instruction, you would be allowing yourself a way of seeing that there was never really any need for the lower self-esteem in the first place. Or, if you do try it again and find that dancing is really not your niche, than you can look at the things that you are good at and delete the unavoidably low self-worth that comes from negative thinking.
Self-talk is the ‘things you say to yourself mentally’. The old saying that ‘Only crazy people talk to themselves’ is not true, as a matter of fact all people talk to themselves whether they realize it or not. You can even have an entire inner conversation with yourself. The question is what are you saying? If you are beating yourself up about losing the soccer game or doing poorly on an exam at school, you are only damaging your own self-esteem. It is imperative to re-learn the destructive self-talk you have been used to speaking, and replace it with words of praise and acceptance.
Some people try using negative self-talk to motivate themselves to do things, like losing weight, but this only works for a short period of time because negative comments only take the confidence away and end up exhausting the energy that would have been used to exercise. It would seem apparent that using negativity in an attempt to self-motivate is counterproductive.
Changing these destructive words has to start with actually saying positive statements out loud. For instance you could say, ‘I am smart’ or ‘I am liked’. You have to fight the urge to think unpleasant thoughts about yourself. When you realize you are thinking these things, you must remember that tearing yourself down is just as damaging as someone else talking down to you. “I know that what I believe about myself is what l will become -- so I believe in the best for myself.” (Helmstetter, 1990)
Acceptance is something usually talked about when referring to other people. Why not direct that same gospel of acceptance at yourself? Accepting your own flaws and rewarding your accomplishments is necessary. Giving yourself the same respect you would show to a friend or colleague will boost your self-esteem enormously. Zig Ziglar said “Some people find fault like there’s a reward for it.” Whether it is fault in others or fault in self, there is never any positive that comes from finding fault.
Imagery is another important aspect of the way we think of ourselves. Imagery is ‘a set of mental pictures produced by the memory or imagination or conjured up by a stimulus.’ If you see yourself as an uninteresting person, you are less likely to speak up during the board meeting and therefore less likely to get the promotion you have been wanting and may feel you deserve.
The physical reaction that one has to healthy self talk and imagery is undeniable. You feel better, you look better, you present yourself better. ”The imagery thought process directly elicits a physical reaction in the body.” (Carolyn Chambers Clark, 1999) It has been proven through both psychological and medical studies that you can actually become more confident if you envision yourself as a more confident person.
Behavior is ‘The way in which somebody chooses to respond to a specific set of conditions’ and a vital key to success. Your behavior is what others see the most and what will determine your next step. You can choose to behave in a professional manner when you are turned down for the position you were interviewing for, or you can behave unprofessionally and make excuses and complaints.
In life there are victims and creators. A victim sees their life situation as everyone else’s doing. A creator sees their life situation as a direct result of their own choices. Victims have self defeating behavior patterns which aid them in continuing to be victims. To be a creator, one must change their behavior to be more positive and choose more wisely. A creator recognizes their role in the outcome of their success. Accepting responsibility for one’s own actions is the main asset to being a creator. When you can accept the blame for all of your choices, good or bad, you also hold the reigns to your own life.
The Wise Choice Process (Downing, 2005) includes six questions that help to guide any person in the right direction. The idea is to ask oneself these questions to make any choice clear. 1) What is my present situation? 2) How would I like my situation to be? 3) Do I have a choice here? 4) What are my possible choices? 5) What is the likely outcome of each possible choice? 6) Which choice(s) will I commit to doing? Once a person realizes their own ability to decide their own fate, there is no limit to the possibilities of success.
Every person has had failed attempts, whether they are failed relationships, jobs, school, or something much less superior, the trick is to try again. It is much more difficult to attain your life goals when you are the one talking yourself out of it. When you find that you are about to give up, if you will stop and imagine the end result you will be “literally creating a pathway in your mind, “ that you can “draw on in those moments of self-doubt”. (Clooney)
Re-Thinking the way you think is necessary in order to remove the self-damaging processes you have developed for yourself. The Mayo Clinic (Clinic, 2007) has come up with five easy steps to help boost your self-image. They are 1) Identify troubling conditions or situations 2) become aware of beliefs and thoughts 3) Pinpoint negative or inaccurate thinking 4) Challenge negative or inaccurate thinking 5) Change your thoughts and beliefs.
Forgiving yourself, much like accepting yourself, for mistakes is also an important part of re-thinking your thoughts. Sometimes you blunder, everyone does. Sometimes you choose the wrong path. Learning to look past an error and continue trying can be one of the hardest things to do, but if you are having a positive inner conversation with yourself then continuing on will seem like the only logical next step.
Re-thinking the way you think will lead to an all around improved situation. You will have a better belief system, an enhanced self-esteem, healthier self-talk and imagery and an excelled physical reaction. You will find that you are choosing your behavior more wisely and therefore making better life choices.
There is a quote by an unknown author that epitomizes this subject. It is “While we cannot direct the wind, we can adjust the sails”. We do have the power through mental transformation to change our direction if we will only re-think the way we think.


Bibliography
Carolyn Chambers Clark, R. J. (1999). Encyclopedia of Complementary Health Practice. Published by Springer Publishing Company.
Chidekel, D. (2003). Parents in Charge: Setting Healthy, Loving Boundaries for You and Your Child. Citadel Press.
Clinic, M. (2007). SELF-ESTEEM: BOOST YOUR SELF-IMAGE WITH THESE 5 STEPS. Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research , http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-esteem/MH00129.
Clooney, S. M. (n.d.). http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Shannon_M._Clooney. Ezine.com .
Downing, S. (2005). On Course: Strategies for creating success in college and life (fourth edition). Houghton Mifflin Co.
Helmstetter, S. (1990). What to Say When You Talk to Yourself. Published by Simon & Schuster.
Merriam-Webster. (2004). The Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Springfield, MA: Merriam-Webster Incorporated.